2 months after surgery.....

so i went to a follow up appointment with the dietician and nurse this week..

got a little concerned when the dietician asked me if i could manage to eat 2 egg size portions of food at a sitting



the answer is no...i can manage more than that..alarm bells went off in my head..has the op. not worked??? did my ''egg sized'' stomach beome an upgraded one??? did i get the bigger size one???

got weighed..yes, i have lost more weight..but not as much as they would have thought i'd lost.


knew i haven't been drinking enough water..went and got weighed on the wednesday..i was 96.4

went home,next day drank more water..got weighed on friday morning..i had gone down to 95.00

fluid retention?? or what???

so,short version of this is..

i still am eating more than i need..even with a smaller stomach

OH  SHIT....

another year older......s

So here i am another year older....this time last year i was at least 27 kilos overweight and just starting this journey of weight loss and a new lease of life.

this time last year i couldn't feel my ribs so easily,or notice my collar bones starting to appear when i am getting dressed.

i have been looking at photos of me over the years,at 20,30 etc..and now i can see my face is looking different as my double chin[s] are going.

while i am changing on the outside,i feel there is much more to change and resolve on the inside.....

a friend has pointed out that i often in conversation refer back to my days in high school and talk about things that have happened to me in the past.

so ,it appears i am still screwed up!!! coulda said f***ed up.....

how to change...what to do..
first,i accept what is said,and NOT take it to heart which is what i have done FOREVER......................

then i begin to accept..and change....

feels like it's easier said than done..so i feel like a failure

12 months on..weighing less,but weighted down by my past..and can't sure how to let go...

the beginning...

i was always a chubby kid...had the little double chin happening by the time i was 5.i learnt to turn to food as a refuge,a friend,a comfort etc.as a teen i kept getting bigger..but expected and hoped to find a boyfriend.

the diet journey began as a teen..the weight watchers meetings,the meal replacement diets,the bread diet[what the hell?? haha], i even got roped into fasting as an aunt had been doing it for many years..lasted one week..still can't face drinking hot water to this day..mind you..can't stomach[no pun intended..haha] pizza after a night of cheap flagon wine with a friend,washed down by a pizza..always blamed the pizza!!!

tried diet pills in the 90's..wow was i one happy camper..stoned out of my mind..and so so happy!! i remember starting a new job at that time,and having big trouble concentrating on learning cashing up procedures..maths never being a strength for  me..made worse by being under the influence of good ole duramine...lost weight fast,still managed to have the odd gin and tonic too..happy days.

met my husband,the marriage lasted 2 years..i left it with my newborn daughter..under the influence of drugs i married the wrong man.got the best end of the deal..my girl.

the weight came back on with a vengence....my health started getting affected..food being my comfort and refuge...no amount of counselling etc. could stop me.


i feel like food is my drug..i used to smoke,but it's to expensive,not to mention the health issues..but we have to eat..and when you are stuck inside your head feeling like you are crap..and not worth it,i settled for less..putting more energy into my friendships and rewarding myself with food,rather than the ''right'' things.

i was a better friend to others than i was to myself...

here i am...

this is the journey i am on..from gastric bypass surgery and beyond..